Ten years ago, I designed and printed for myself a t-shirt that was supposed to be highly motivational (to me) it read: Success or Institutionalisation by 2020" and here we are, coming out of a year in which many of us were in some way, for some time, driven absolutely bonkers and taken out of circulation under some kind of lockdown. And if I were to be dropped off, or picked up, to go into a mental institution, here are the 10 moments of 2020 that would be responsible for said occasion:
1. When people physically brawled with each other to grab toilet paper.
2. When I stumbled into some kind of juvenile grudge match with a feral couple and their two virtually rabid dogs while walking my dog. Said feral couple were walking towards my dog and I, and because they haven't trained their dogs (they've settled for simply holding onto the lead while they go absolutely insane with aggression) the man crossed the road with the two dogs and the woman walked passed me on my side of the road to wait at their car. Considering the absolute spectacle these two dogs were making, my dog was doing a beautiful job calmly walking on our side of the road, until we drew level with the rabid little bastards - he stopped. He stopped because if we kept going the dogs would be out of his sightline, behind him, and before he turned his back on two practically rabid dogs he wants to assess whether to do so is safe for him, and for me. I have a great partnership with my dog, so I allowed him this moment to stop. Feral Woman yelled out "KEEP WALKING!" to which I turned in amazement to say "what the fuck?" Lady I would like to keep walking, but your feral dogs are disrupting my nice, peaceful walk with my fully and beautifully trained dog, and you have no idea about pack behaviour - you out number us in dogs, in people, and with a large vehicle behind us, you represent an encircling threat and are the reason there is a problem. After a moment my dog is ready to go onwards, because he trusts me, and is a good boy. After walking on our way the couple drove past us, screamed out the window "learn some manners" and I yelled back "fuck you!" because I save my manners for people who aren't rude and ignorant in the first place. So they flipped me off out their car windows and I flipped them back. I mean, sheesh! Talk about clueless. I was livid. They've been rude to many other dog walkers in the neighbourhood and have a poor relationship with the general community of regulars, but have no idea the problem their dog handling skills pose.
3. When the power went out and my Dad kept badgering me to check our electrical switches, both Mum and I repeatedly explained to him that we were not going to do that because the power was out in the whole street. After 30 minutes of bitter arguing I got my phone out and googled power outage in our neighbourhood and learned that a transformer had blown and 20,000 households were without power. To which he replied in all seriousness that we don't live in our neighbourhood. And I drank all the vodka.
4. When my Dad brought home a book he chose from the discount table outside the newsagent that was described as being about a hybrid-demon and a girl who is used to playing dirty and billed with the nausea inducing blurb "passion like this will scorch you to the very soul" And again two weeks later when he complained the book was rubbish. And again at least once a week for several months as he kept the book on our coffee table for reasons unknown.
5. When I woke up in the middle of the night with an insane deathbed regret: I never won pass the parcel at a birthday party when I was a kid. Seriously this random thought had my heart pounding and seemed so important that I couldn't function, while the tiny unaffected part of me screamed "shut up, it doesn't matter, go to fucking sleep!"
6. When I accidentally ingested very, very expired whipped cream from a can during lockdown. It tasted a little piney but I kept eating. Then I thought, maybe don't eat this... and yeah it was months out of date. MONTHS. It was a long night, but not the worst night I ever had (food wise)
7. Another crazy night time thought was when, out of the blue, in the middle of the night, I thought about how my sister in law doesn't like cucumbers. I've known this about her for years. But all of a sudden I sat bolt upright in bed saying "oh my God, does that mean she doesn't like pickles?" I mean I really, really love pickles and all of a sudden I was dying to know if she doesn't eat pickles. It was like an emergency, only about absolute shite.
8. During this year I might also have developed the reputation as a bit of a sociopath in the consumer focus group I'm part of. When we were asked about how we prevent ourselves from getting stressed out from being busy I just flat out told them "I prevent becoming busy by telling people I'm busy, when I'm not, and then doing whatever the hell I want" I'm either a genius or a sociopath.
9. Recently we have had to ban my Dad from having toothpicks (because he loses them all the time, he doesn't even notice they are on the floor) my dog has been caught chewing them up several times and so no more toothpicks in this household! Then my Dad became obsessed with the idea of sneaking out to the garage to find some sandpaper to rub on his teeth. Which just about finished the hatchet job on the sanity of both Mum and myself.
10. The strange incident at the dog park, where my dog, and another dog poo'd in the same area about the same time and the other owner and I both had to walk all the way there to pick poo up. I was coming from closer, so I got there first. I was just tying a knot in the bag when this man said to me "that's my dog's poo" It honestly took me a few cold seconds to register that this had actually been said. I had no idea why it had been said or what he was expecting... so I just waited to see if he would say anything else. He did not. Eventually I asked him "do you.... erm.... want.... your dog's poo?" while waving the dog poo at him. He said nothing. He eventually snapped the dog lead onto his dog's collar, and walked off. And I stood there thinking "what the fuck just happened?" Really what was that? Who was that?
And somehow I made it through the year... maybe my sanity is a little dinged up but... its 2021 here and I'm sure I'll continue losing my shit every now and then, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that. So anyway, I'm glad you made it through 2020 too, and I wish you the very best for 2021.
